another page from my diary

26/10/2011

A page from my diary 1

16/5/2011 

!!I'm not the same any more..

I used to be shy,active,lovely,dreamer,different

I never felt or thought that I'm gonna face what ever am facing now 

Is this the life cycle??some how it does not suit me 

.!!!.smart..kind..cute...helpful..beautiful.smiley...but  not happy

When I was small girl..it was only mama..baba and siblings...no branches..we were happy some how

I was daddy's girl ,actually !! what happened? in fact,I don't know!!! well, maybe we where away 
  from country and we did not  have a family there,no uncle,no grandma ,no grandba,no body

It just happened  and  my father fall sick,very sick,and he had to leave his job and go back to the mother country..soooooooooo

we had to know all of them at once..,I mean it was so difficult for us,heavy to our brains,I mean  , no one  bothered to visit or ask or call us while we were away from mother country!!! and now,since we came back,and it was the first time I go there to the mother country,they said that we have to get along and be committed to the family
We got lost with this  bla bla bla

but we were so quite ,we were like: it's ok..but we could not get along..they are different  ..They still different...really..really
:different..like

We are quite...they love noise..

We do every thing in silence..they loves to be seen and show up..

We lough for jokes..they lough for nothing..

We are realistic..they are very very very good actors !!!waw..

We,since we were children ,we used to live alone,,we did no't   know about people and their  news
..And they are,oh my god,they love to talk about people sooooooo much..

I mean ,It's not like we are  perfect a..but I believe the reason was  that we did not have the 
chance for all of these  important activities !!!!!!!wo

And It's not that we  did not try,we tried to get along..I tried so much..It's already 8 years...Even  though,I'm  very easy to get along with people,but ,I could not do what ever I felt not to

What is happening now is being worse and sad..very sad and I 
can not stand it...It's really causing pain

My father is getting more sick..I was in high school,I lost my good scores and good grade,every thing was different,girls did not accept me so fast,not the same teachers,not the same friends or even books..I was hardly passing exams..

final exams I was scared,I was not sleeping at all when the subject is tough,and sleeping for few hours if the subject is easy,,I was studying all the time..I don't want to fail..I really was thinking about my mom..she gave us a lot when we were small,a lot means every thing

Some how,I do believe in God and God will never let us down if we really deserve some thing we worked hard for it..I really till now ,could not believe that I got  good grades ,could make me someone

I think I deserved more because since I was small ,I was  very good at school, but,thank God..I really cried....I was happy,,very happy..I started to give promises to all,I promised my father that I will get him what ever he wants..
He had hypertension,and because of a very high blood pressure,he is  partially paralyzed..with a heavy tongue .. so he 
.could not speak..just smile

Then...my college  journey began...

      '' The thing you decided to live with..die for''

..pain..

اناني

 ابنطر لين ينصفني.. اناني راح وخلاني..

  تعب قلبي من الفرقا.. ,وهل االدمع من عيني..

          بكل لحضه انا بعمره..  وانا بلحضه انولد عمري..

       واذا ماجابته اللحظه.. يجيبه لي خبر ثاني..

 خبرماينفع بقرصه.. يرد بساعه لحضاني..

         وفكره تروح وتردله.. يجيبه لي خبر موتي.. 

 يجي مغلوب وهو تايه.. يجي لجلي يودعني..

       ويتمنى ارد لجله..ويتمنى دفى ايامي..
   


      ولكن دامني اعطيته..وانا اتريا فرص عمري..



       معاد الوقت ينصفله.. لان ماجاله اعطاني..

      تعبت ابكي واسمعله.. ابي يسكت ويسمعني..




      ولاخر لحضه من عمره.. وعدته بيملك احلامي..




      نسيت الناس لعيونه.. نسيت اسمي وعنواني..




      واذا ماحن بعد فتره.. واذا مادق عبوابي..

      واذا ماحس بالوحده..وإذا ماهون جراحي..

       واذا مارد له عقله.. وجاني يحب لي راسي..

مثل ماحبيت له رجله.. بيخسرني وانا حيه.. بيتألم لفقداني..

         ويسأل ناسه واهله..  ليش ماحد صحاني..



      عليه ردوا ومقيوله.. وجال الكل بلساني.

     حبيبك عيته نفسه.. يحب غيرك ولو يبغي..

      وحبيبك عيوا احبابه.. يحبونه وهو يدري..

     نصيبه وهذا هو بخته.. عنيد وانت ماتدري..




      فبنطر دامني حيه.. يجيني بعد فقداني..


      واذامت اتمنى..  عليه ترد انفاسي..



      اشوف النظره بوجهه..اشوفه يبكي وينادي.

 حبيبي رد لي لحضه....ابيك تحلي ايامي....

وإذا ماعاد فيه لحضه....انا اللي بسبق الجاني..

        واجيك بدافع الرغبه.. بكون المجني والجاني ..

       جنيت بحبي علبسمه.. بكلمه  تطفي نيراني.. 

       وجنا حبك علي فجأه.. وجا كفنك وصحاني.

      وأرد انا واهي فرصه.. ترد البسمه بشفاتي..

      بقوله دامني بقلبه..  ودامه صعب ينساني..

    ومثل ما كفني رد عقله.. ابيه يرد احساني..

   ابيه جنبي وابي شغله..  مثل ماقطع انفاسي..

.
   ببعده وصده وهجره.. ابيه يركع على اشواكي..

 ويمكن ماانسى هالغصه.. بحاول.. انسى هالغصه..

 مااقدر انسى هالغصه..

.

     

 والله..ماأنسى هالغصه..




  إذا مابكفنه لاقاني.......

...pain...

Time From The past..

there is a moment you wish you did not live and never got through..but it was never in your hands

it's very hard to erase  the past,because there is no step back

and there is never a new beginning 
but there is always a happy ending




for all who could not make it through and begin with a smile..
just  end it with a lough


..pain..